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February 4th, 2005

An Open Letter to Everyone on the Internet

Dear everyone on the internet,

Hello! I’d like to first of all say thanks for being a part of today’s internet. Thanks to you the internet is your source for one-stop shopping, loads of porn, and mindless chatter about the cancellation of Enterprise. That’s appreciated.

Now I’d like to make one request of you, as a fellow person on the internet. Please, for the love of all that’s good, stop using Internet Explorer when you have a choice. Please? You see, I write code for browsers, and Internet Explorer just isn’t up to snuff. It was last updated in 1885 when a man by the name of Buford “Mad Dog” Gates wrote a web browser and then shot Doc Brown. He shot a man. Do you want to be associated with that?

Moreover, did you know that Internet Explorer lowers male sperm count and female fertility? It’s true! (I read about it on the internet.) Not only does it do that, but when you’re asleep at night Internet Explorer goes out on the internet and does exploring on its own. On its own! And no one knows what it finds… it keeps it a secret.

Internet Explorer is also horrible at making sushi. That’s a minimum requirement for browsers nowadays.

So, again, if you want to remain fertile, know what your browser is up to, and make great sushi fast… try another web browser. Thank you.

– Paul

Posted in Technology

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