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June 14th, 2001

Edited for Television

When you get to know a movie… or even when you don’t… you notice that the TV versions are extremely, extremely edited. As an added bonus, they’re often edited very very poorly.

Take, for instance, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off which aired two nights ago on the WB (egads). While you have the normal curse words changed to "heck" or "rear", there are two lines in particular that I love.

First, near the start of the film Ferris is talking about his pal Cameron. In the real version he says, "Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond!" The edited version loses all meaning. "…Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal in his fist…" Now come on, who puts coal in their fists? (Also, don’t answer the obvious question about coal and asses.)

The second edit is just as entertaining. I originally thought it was obscene, but it wasn’t. Oops. The real version is, "You can’t respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn’t work.", in reference to Cameron’s love life. The edited version at least makes sense: "You can’t respect somebody who licks your boots…" Hm.

Please, share your favorite blatantly bad movie edits. -pm

Posted in Television, Movies, and Music

FROM: Robert
DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 8:47:47AM
I heard that some of the "motherfucker"'s in Die Hard with a Vengeance became "melon farmer", but I never saw/heard it myself.

FROM: Brett
DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 9:04:00AM
In the edited version of Saturday Night Fever, when Tony Manero and his pals pretend to fall off the Brooklyn(?) bridge, Donna Pescow's character leans over the railing, sees the guys laughing their asses off and screams, "You fakers!". I'll leave the unedited phrase to your imagination.

DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 9:43:00AM
In the TV version of Iron Eagle (an old favorite of mine), our hero says "... like a bat out of hell!" and they replaced it with something incredibly ridiculous. If I remember correctly, it was "... like a bee out of a hive!" but I can't be sure.

FROM: Ryan
DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 11:17:06AM
I've actually heard made-up, nonsense words in place of profanity. I wish I could remember a specific example, but I can't...

FROM: Jim Harris
DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 11:34:30AM
Continuing Robert's ping...

In Die Hard, they change Bruce Willis' line "Yippie-kye-ay, Motherfucker" to "Yippie-kye-ay, Mister Falcon."

FROM: Jessica
DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 3:59:46PM
My favorite edited line is from the USA version of the Usual Suspects. From "Give me the keys you fucking cock sucker" to "Give me the keys you fairy godmother." Ooo menacing.

FROM: Robert
DATE: Thursday June 14, 2001 -- 8:14:12PM
...and your little dog, too!!!

FROM: Matt
DATE: Friday June 15, 2001 -- 1:40:24AM
Paul- That lump of fist line is one of my alltime favorites. I tend to say it in the edited voice style regularly to see if anyone picks up on it.

FROM: Matt
DATE: Saturday June 16, 2001 -- 2:38:41AM
Tonight I watched the Wedding Singer on tnt. They did a nice job in the editing field. For the word "laid" they changed it to "get some." Is it just me or does laid sound better than get some?
Also when Adam Sandler is singing his song with all the cuss words, they made it sound like his guitar was giving extra-feedback during the curse parts

FROM: Aaron
DATE: Sunday June 17, 2001 -- 7:43:04PM
With regards to "Die Hard":

I saw the first "Die Hard" movie a few days ago. I forget which channel -- TBS? Anyways, they simply dropped the "motherfucker" all together.

The "Yippie-kye-ay, Mister Falcon" I thought was in a TV-version of "Die Hard 2", but that was a long time ago, so maybe I'm wrong.

FROM: Cole
DATE: Wednesday June 12, 2002 -- 11:09:18 pm
I was at work the other day, and the TV in the staff room was playing Die Hard With A Vengeance, and at the very end McClane says his trademark "Yippie Ki Aye, Motherfucker". In this version it was changed to "Yippie Ki Aye, My Friend". I think thats better then Mister Falcon, whoever the hell that is.

FROM: RobotSteve
DATE: Wednesday June 26, 2002 -- 9:40:59 pm
Predator. When explaining the mission in the encampment, Arnold's character says "Bullshit". This was changed to "Baloney".

FROM: Joseph
DATE: Thursday June 27, 2002 -- 9:07:07 am

Movie version, after Bill Murray complains about the morning march being too early and Sgt. Hulka gives the men a double march reward, one of the guys says under his breath "Way to go, asshole." On TV the under the breath asshole is replaced with a noticeable pause and then yelled "JERK!" that is also poorly dubbed with a lot of background noise. It actually sounds more like when a trucker's CB interrupts the sound signal of the TV.

FROM: chad capellman
DATE: Tuesday September 17, 2002 -- 4:37:28 pm
you missed the best bad dub i've ever heard and it was in Ferris Bueller's Day Off ... "Pardon my French but you're an AARDVARK!" um, yea, ok

DATE: Wednesday December 18, 2002 -- 4:10:13 am
I watched NYPD Blue tonight and someone said "Bullshit", so I don't know what the hell all the trouble is out. Also I've seen a version of "Die Hard 2" and the overdubs are done by another guy who doesn't even sound like Bruce Willis, It was bad. They take out the word muthrfukr, but leave in scenes of him filling a guy with holes with a submachinegun.

FROM: Joe Revees
DATE: Monday April 21, 2003 -- 4:37:46 pm
Saw one last night that reminded me of this ping:

From 'Field of Dreams' on TNT: Shoeless Joe Jackson says 'We were going to ask Ty Cobb to play, but none of us could stand that son of a "squid" when we were alive so we said to heck with 'em.'

I just found the statement of Ty Cobb being the son of a squid to be extremely funny.

FROM: Dave Walls
DATE: Monday April 21, 2003 -- 7:24:29 pm
The thing that made the editing of Field of Dreams interesting, is that they edited out Bitch, but they left the line "You bet your ASS we are!".

IMHO, editing movies for cuss words really looks lame nowadays, since the rules have loosened so the past 2-3 years. I mean, remember the "South Park" 'Shit' Episode, where they said the word over 100 times uncensored? Since that time, if Comedy Central can get away with that, then why bother? I understand that the channel is worried about offending viewers, but it's still really lame when the line is substituted with a horrible dub, or something that just doesn't make sense.

Melon-picking aardvarks. ;p

FROM: Cassata
DATE: Thursday May 13, 2004 -- 3:11:52 pm
In Total Recall, in the scene where Arnold goes to grab the suitcase that his friend from the agency left him, and where he gets into a verbal fight with an old woman, she ends the fight with "Fuck You, You Asshole."

On television, it becomes, "Come Back Here you Steroid."

I shit you not.

FROM: Craig
DATE: Friday June 18, 2004 -- 1:39:22 am
I found it funny in Bill and Ted's excellent Adventure when Bill yells out "You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!" to the knight in the middle ages. This becomes "you killed Ted, you medieval bonehead!". Bill's lips are clearly saying dickweed, so the result is quite comical.

DATE: Thursday July 8, 2004 -- 5:56:49 pm
"Major League": Dubbing "Up your butt..." with "Up your bucket..." is pretty weak, but it pales in comparison with changing "Strike this motherfucker out!" to "Strike this (dead air) guy out!" It's especially bad when you notice that the voice over sounds nothing like Corbin Bernsen and you can easily read his lips anyway. Why bother?

FROM: Chris K
DATE: Sunday November 14, 2004 -- 2:34:16 am
The above are some of my favorites of all time. My friends don't really enjoy them as much as me, so I have noone to share my joy.

The "mr. Falcon" bit makes more sense than it seems, from Die Hard 2. When the hispanic warlord takes over his transport plane he radioes "Falcon to nest...over"

Another great one from Total Recall is "get yourSELF to Mars" over and over in place of ass.....

And again DH2 Dennis Franz- "Ok, let's kick some...head!!"

FROM: Darble
DATE: Thursday June 2, 2005 -- 6:04:59 pm
My two favorites are from the "this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!" scene from The Big Lebowski (the sentence is said multiple times and substituted by multiple different euphemisms):

"This is what happens, Larry! This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"

"This is what happens when you feed a horse scrambled eggs!"

FROM: Hooflethroid
DATE: Saturday June 18, 2005 -- 3:13:49 pm
What about Robocop with it's two absolute crackers...

'You're gonna a bad mothercrusher...'


'...I even called the boss... airhead.'

FROM: Brodie
DATE: Monday July 25, 2005 -- 7:11:47 pm

"How you get that scar there? Eating PINEAPPLE?"

FROM: Eric
DATE: Friday December 2, 2005 -- 6:23:26 am

[Jay is standing triumphantly above an indisposed mall security guard, and is asked what how he did it]

"All it took was a fat chronic blunt" ----> "All it took was a phat karate punch"

FROM: Matty
DATE: Friday December 2, 2005 -- 10:06:52 pm
The edited version of Robocop is a classic - it's SO censored that you soon stop watching the movie and just look out for what's been edited.

As well as the aforementioned "I even called him...airhead" there's also "I'm going to take this facotry and stick it up your...nose!" and Emile's repeated exclamations of "WHY me! WHY me! WHY me!"

The version of Die Hard I saw had the MF line substituted with "yip-ee-kay-ay Kemosabe" - though this might have just been the UK one.

The Last Boy Scout also had a scene where Bruce Willis is talking to some guys in the street and says something like "I POPPED your wife, and later I'm gonna POP her again".

FROM: Malcolm
DATE: Monday December 5, 2005 -- 6:50:19 pm
The scene in Police Academy 2 when the timid, black woman Hooks calls Mauser an "Asshole" and in the edited version she says, "Mean Man!"

FROM: Jonie
DATE: Tuesday January 17, 2006 -- 12:34:27 pm
In Lethal Weapon, Riggs says to Murtaugh, "We bury the fuckers!"

On TV, he says, "We bury the funsters!"

Same movie, when Riggs is in the field of X-Mas trees with the bad guys, in the movie he says, "This is a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real fucking gun!"

On TV, he says, "This is a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real firing gun!"

FROM: Michael Jensen
DATE: Thursday February 16, 2006 -- 6:30:12 pm
The thing I've been wanting to know for the longest time was is there anything edited in Halloween 4 BESIDES the language? If anyone knows that answer then please tell me.

FROM: Stereo One
DATE: Friday May 12, 2006 -- 10:28:12 pm
Oh puh-lease! The best edited-for-television movie line OF ALL TIME is from The Exorcist.

Original Line: "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!"
Edited Line: "Your mother sews socks in Hell!"

Marigold May 4, 2007, 5:04 am

This occurs in several movies but I most notably remember it in the TV edited “Valley Girl.” Nicholas Cage, then still Nicholas Coppola (according to the credits) with his badass mohawk get dumped the line becomes, “Well [forget] you, for sure, like totally.” I think we all know what “F” word he’s really saying.

Texas with a Dollarsign June 21, 2008, 8:33 am

I was always partial to the TBS version of “The Matrix”. Some of the gems:

Original – “Hallelujah! You’re my savior, my own personal Jesus Christ.”
Edited – “Hallelujah! You’re my savior, my own personal juvenile delinquent.”

It’s bad enough that they kept in all the religious words save the big JC, but calling The One a juvenile delinquent was the icing on the cake.

Original – “How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.”
Edited – “How about I give you a flipper.”

Why they took out the phone call part is beyond me. And what the hell is a “flipper”?

Tom June 25, 2008, 4:12 pm

Pulp Fiction on VH1 – they’re talking about pork, and Jules says “That better be one charming *mightyfriendly* pig!”

John September 6, 2008, 10:14 pm

Actually, the lump of coal in fist makes sense – are you old enough to remember Superman (TV show) impressing – was it Lois and Jimmy ? – with crushing a lump of coal in his hand and when he opened his hand there was a perfectly formed diamond ! As soon as I read your post the image of that scene popped into my head – thanks for the mammary’s !

BTW – In Die Hard, didn’t Willis mangle the line “Yippee Aye oh Kiyay” ?? (he sez “yippee kiyay” – which is wrong). Small point but it irks me every time I watch the movie – that and when Grubber sez “…of the New York Police…” ! It’s NYPD or New York CITY Police Department – never heard it called “The New York Police…”
Ok, I’m going to go take my chill pill now.

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